oh yeah, now I remember…

So I had a dead PC sitting around. The motherboard was kaput. I thought, gee Mike, I have all the parts, why not just drop a new motherboard and processor in it and I’m golden. So I did it. Somebody slap me. Now I remember why it’s a bad idea for me to build computers. Here’s why.

Building it went smoothly except that I had to buy an updated power supply because my old one didn’t have the right plug to power the CPU. So I go to Fry’s and I buy a swanky one with quiet variable speed fans. I install it. In the back of my mind I begin to wonder if the cost of that plus the motherboard, a gig of ram, and a processor (Athalon 64 3200) is really worth it. I’m afraid to add it up and compare with what I could have bought from say Acer. I decide to continue lying to myself instead of confronting the truth. Hey Mike, don’t forget that this is saving you money! Whew, that’s good, because otherwise this would be a pretty dumb thing to do!

I plug everything in and turn it on. The machine beeps and all the right lights and fans turn on. Right on! So I install XP pro. No problems. But after first boot up I have no Ethernet (which is on the motherboard). Shouldn’t this just work? What the hell? Oh yeah this is a PC, I better install the drivers that came with the motherboard. So I pop in the CD that came with the motherboard. Up comes the, uh, menu thingy to install a bunch of different drivers. So I do. The UI to do this is so lame I’m literally offended. It worked though, so there’s that. This fixes the Ethernet problem. Excellent! I install all the XP updates. No problems.

I get everything installed. I go to bed. I come in to the computer room in the morning and the computer is asleep. I don’t give this a second thought until I wake it up and find that it’s blue screened. Fo’ shizzle! After restarting I search around for the latest drivers for the motherboard. Fine. That fixes it.

After a few minutes of innocent usage, I find that playing audio blue screens the machine. Son of a motherless hamster! I search around on the web for the lastest drivers for the onboard audio and installing these fixes the blue screen. Whatever.

I realize now that ALL the drivers on the offensive install disk are hopelessly out of date. So as a sad and lonely attempt at preemptive blue screen avoidance I search around and install all the latest drivers. Restarting the machine about twenty times. Finally I finish. About this time, I begin muttering to myself and my hair is standing on end.

All done and updated, I surf around the web all contented and blissfull on my new machine. Aaaah. But right when I’m settling into my comfy captains chair, I figure out that when Quicktime finishes playing a movie, Win IE crashes. I yell at my dog. This confuses him. I apologize. My fix for this is to pretend it didn’t happen. I continue to surf. No more Quicktime movies for me. I didn’t want your stupid movies anyway. So there.

The next day I was in a huge hurry to get out of town and I needed to make sure the maps were up to date on my Garmin Streetpilot III. This means I needed to install the Garmin software on the new machine, including a USB driver. I pop in the CD. The machine chugs and whirs and then blue screens. My dog leaps to his feet and runs out of the room. At least one of us is wising up.

I go and hook up my old machine to install the maps. The software is already installed on this machine. Of course the USB dongle thingy doesn’t work and I have to search around on the web for the latest drivers. Did I mention that I was in a hurry? I was supposed to have left already. I was also failing in my attempt to pack. I couldn’t find my watch. Or my contacts. Or my shower bag. Eventually I was successful in my departure, though in doing so I left a few things at home. Namely my watch, my contacts, and my shower bag. I did manage to find my road rage and bring that, but I digress.

So I return from my trip and the next day I’m at work. Bunny calls me.

“The computer doesn’t work. I’m getting an error when I try to logon to Neiman Marcus dot com,“ she says.

”Step away from the computer,” I say through gritted teeth. “Just step away.”

So that night I check things out. Seems my router is offline. I power cycle it. Everything works after that. I leave and tell Bunny the computer is working now. I chalk it up to gremlins. Why would the router stop working? Freaky!

A few hours later she goes to surf the web. “Still not working,” she shouts at me from the other room (I love that). Hmm, I try another computer. It can’t see the web either. I approach the new computer again. In denial. It can’t be the new machine. Can it?

I end up power cycling the router again. Which brings back the internet. I decide to run a test. I put the computer to sleep. Wake it up again. Nothing – no internet. I cycle the power to the router again. The internet comes back. How is this even possible?

At this point I’m tempted to write a string of the most filthy profanities I can think of. I’ll refrain. For now. At least the heat sink hasn’t popped off and melted the motherboard. Yet.

I think my house was built on an ancient American Indian burial ground. I’m waiting for the giant gnarled tree to reach in the window and grab me in the middle of the night. Or maybe my entire Simpson family doll collection will start flying around the room. Or the house will implode. The TV isn’t talking to me yet, so that’s good.