So I have XM radio in my soon to be sold H2. I listen to the comedy channels a fair amount hoping to have a laugh. And most of the time? Not funny. Not funny at all. In fact I frequently start getting the same feeling I get when I watch TV shows like Funniest Home Videos or Mama’s Family. I start looking around for something to start smacking myself repeatedly about the head and neck. Just make it stop. Oh, god. Kill me now. The pain! The pain! IQ rapidly dropping! It can literally have me curled up and drooling on the floor in no time. OK, figuratively. You got me. But still. It hurts. It hurts bad.

I’ve developed a few observations about stand-up and what is NOT funny. First, if your whole routine is centers around your ethnicity, then talk to the frickin’ hand you hack. Hey, I’m white. I can’t dance. I might be redneck. Criminey, get the frick over it. My second pet peeve is shocking language with no substance. Some comedians swear, and it works, but some delve into the most obscene language just for the sake of shocking you. Hey I bleeping bleeped my bleeping bleep you bleep! You too can talk to the hand, you frickin’ hack. Jeez, how is this funny? Answer. It’s not, you bleeping bleep bleep. Go pump gas for a living and stay off my radio. What gets me also is the people coughing up a lung they’re laughing so hard. I have one thing to say: “I remember my first beer.” Jeez, how embarrassing for you.

The good news? There are a few comics who are genuinely hilarious, and have something to say. But boy howdie, do you ever have to suffer between the good bits on XM. I’m going to steer my truck into a light pole if I hear one more redneck joke. Anyway, my current favorite is Lewis Black. Trust me he’s funny. But you might have to think a bit. If you think a video of someone getting kicked in the nuts is the pinnacle of the comedic arts, then, er, um, well, say hello to Bog Saget for me. On second thought, don’t.